This is me: Rinka Duijndam

THIS IS ME: Rinka Duijndam

Now, I am honestly one of the happiest people alive. A few years ago, I couldn’t have said that. Some people know I took some time off for burnout. That is part of my story, but that was only a period of my life. A recent period, so it still hits close to home. An important period, because it brought me to such a good place in myself, in my life and on the handball court.

I’m also a girl who moved away from home to play handball when she was 15, who is living a great adventure playing for one of the top clubs in the world, who loves her little dog Bailey, and who started playing as a goalkeeper because of kid logic. So here is my whole story — up to now.

I started handball when I was really young, around five, because my friends were playing. The realisation that I wanted to be serious about handball came quite late.

In Holland, playing kids handball, you take turns being the goalkeeper. Nobody wants to be in the goal because it’s so much more fun to score the goals. When my team had “important” matches for the championship — as important as they can be when you’re eight years old — my coach was always asking if I want to be in the goal at least one half. I only remember that I always got so annoyed switching my t-shirt in half-time that at one point I said just leave me in the goal. I will do it.

After playing handball for a few years, I wondered if this was the only sport I wanted to do. I was a very “girly girl.” I loved sparkling, glittery dresses and being in the goal in handball was not the outfit I wanted to wear! I did dancing for a while and I wanted to join figure skating because I loved all their sparkly outfits. But at the end, I loved handball so much because it was with the team and I could enjoy it with my friends, instead of doing something alone where I can only wear pretty clothes.

When I was younger, I never really looked at the national team. At that time, the national team was not as big as it is now. I was just having fun with my friends. At the age of nine or 10, I found out you could be chosen for a regional selection. I’m a very, very competitive person, so I felt like it would be so cool if I could make that.

After I made it in the regional selection, I found out you can make it to the youth national team, so that was the next step I wanted to achieve. It really was step by step. There were no thoughts that if I joined the youth national team I could one day play in the big national team.

At one point, the possibility of the handball academy arose. If I did that, I knew I would really be putting handball as the main thing in my life. That sounded perfect to me — this is what I loved the most and I had so much fun with this, so for me it was no question.

I started at the academy when I just turned 15. After four years there I was 18, so I started thinking, do I want to move to another country this young? That was quite a step. I just really had the feeling that this was a step I had to make if I wanted to reach the national team.

In the beginning of my handball life, I got so much energy out of having fun. I really just loved to play so I didn’t think too much about it, but now when I look back, my step to Germany…I would not say it was a wrong step, but it really changed my perspective on handball.

Suddenly, you earn money with it. You are abroad, away from your family and friends and everything because you wanted to play handball. The whole picture didn’t feel so much like fun anymore, but more like, this is what I choose to do. I have to do it. Everything that is around it is just part of this package.

The difficult thing in the transition to being a professional player was the way some people interact in this sports world. For a long time, I had the feeling that if you want to achieve something in sport, you have to get really, really hard. Accept some difficult things and you will come out of it stronger.

I started to go to training with something like pain in my belly and the feeling I really didn’t want to go, but it was all for the great goal and I didn’t see another way so I kept going. It felt a little bit like my personality was not made for this handball world. Like a clash between who I was and what I thought I had to do or be.

I had been playing in Germany for five years when I hit burnout. A big part of my burnout was that I really forgot who I was and what my values are. I noticed I had lost my joy in handball and it got so bad that I lost fun in life. When I stopped playing, I did not see how far I had let it come. Now I know I needed this burnout because I got so brainwashed in this feeling, that this is how you have to act if you want to be an athlete, this is how you have to be and I didn’t recognise myself there.

Now, I’ve learnt so much about myself and my own character and I’m so much better at just enjoying it again. Also, if people act to me in a way that I don’t understand, I don’t put value in it anymore because I know how I am and who I am and what’s important to me. Other opinions don’t hit me so much anymore. We have our jobs where people are allowed to think a lot of you. But at the end of the day, I just want to look back at the games, the training sessions and my career and be proud knowing that I gave everything. Maybe it was not enough, but I gave everything and I could not have done more.

Before I moved abroad, handball was just so much fun. Everything I achieved up to that point — it was small stuff like becoming Dutch champions with my youth team — felt just like a little party, an extra bonus. Once I moved abroad, everything coming from the outside was about handball, like when I went home and people asked me how things were going or when people asked about me to my family. It was like this identity crisis. You start believing so much that’s the biggest part of you. You’re a handball player and then if what happens is not good enough then you as a person are not good enough. That’s such a wrong way to think.

I’m a big overthinker. My brain is on and on the whole time, so if you start thinking these things too much…like, I played a bad game, so probably now everybody hates me because I did so bad. If you start telling yourself this over and over, it’s so easy to lose yourself in that. Your handball achievements start telling you if you are a nice person or not.

When I say this now, I almost laugh because it’s bulls***. That’s not how it works but it’s so easy to believe it. You put so much energy in this, so it’s easy to believe that’s the truth — that if you play good games, everybody loves you and it’s amazing, and if you play bad games or a bad 10 minutes and the coach changes you out everybody hates you. Your performance becomes linked to your identity.

The summer before my burnout were the Olympics in Tokyo and I had a really tough season the year before. I was pushing myself a lot and when the season ended, I thought I needed to push myself further because I really, really wanted to get to the Olympics. This was something I told my dad when I was little: I want to get to the Olympics. It doesn’t matter which sport it is. I just really want to get to the Olympics.

I was so close to that goal and at the same time I started to realise I’m actually so dead, but I need to push this because I need to experience this. It was also the Covid-19 period, so it was not easy to have fun outside of handball either. It was just a hard period in general. But I made it into the squad. I made it to the Olympics.

We got kicked out in quarter-finals and within 24 hours we were home and I had to start with my new team, Thüringer HC. At that point I was so wrapped up in what I thought I had to do and could not see at all what I needed. I had already missed such a big part of the season’s preparation, so I had to join fast.

Thüringer HC took really good care of me, but it was hard. I didn’t want to start with problems right away and I really had the feeling that I was the problem. The first few months there, I was pushing to feel fun again. But deep down inside I already felt that I didn’t want to play anymore — that it was too much for me and I could not enjoy anything anymore.

Getting close to the World Championship, we were in the preparation and I had this big panic attack. I felt like I had been hiding how I was feeling a little bit. I did not want to be judged by the fact that I was having trouble mentally because I wanted to play. When you’re with the national team at a tournament, it’s something special, but I felt I couldn’t give what was needed to the team. I talked to the team manager and our coach Monique Tijsterman. Monique asked me, “Do you want to be here?” and I looked at her and said, “No. I really want to go home.”

At that point, I just felt I needed the week of vacation I had missed over the summer; that I just needed to give my body and mind some rest. Everybody was guessing why I left the team after it came out in the Dutch media. It just made my situation worse. I was so afraid to leave the house because I had to explain to people why I was home, but I actually didn’t know the answer.

I had to admit to myself that everything was empty. I couldn’t feel anymore. The only thing I felt was sad and scared. I was so scared of everything.

I called my coach, Herbert Müller, and he handled it so well, telling me to stay home and take care of myself. But those days, instead of giving me more energy as I thought they would, only got me more down. It was like I finally gave my mind and body the space to tell me this is not working. At some point, you cannot push anymore. There is nothing left to push, there is no energy left, and it was such a relief to finally accept that. It’s amazing how your body can tell you you’re not OK — if you don’t deal with what’s in your mind, your body will find the way to tell you.

I tried to go back to Germany and re-join my club team. I remember being in training and just taking it easy. The next day I woke up and I was so scared just to leave my apartment. I could not even tell you why. I was just sitting my apartment crying and felt that if I opened the door it felt like the scariest thing in the world to me. So, my parents came to pick me up and I went home again.

I had started speaking with a therapist in that time at home before Christmas. In January, she said to me, “I’m not going to allow you to play anymore this season, because as long as you don’t really accept the fact that it’s too much right now and you’re like, ‘What about next week or the next one?’ you will never ever start this process of healing because you’re still pushing yourself to do something that you actually feel you can’t.”

At that point I was kind of mad. How can you decide now that I cannot play for six months? If you tear your ACL, there’s a defined recovery period. With this, there isn’t. But I accepted it, thinking that if I did that we could see in April or something. Now, looking back, I’m so thankful the therapist had this approach because I could really see my progress afterwards, firstly, going deeply down, then after going up. I took baby steps to get back to a normal life — not even get back to being an athlete but back to having a life and feeling comfortable being around people again, being in rooms where people could ask me questions and I could be social.

At the same time, I learnt so much about why it got so far. Why I couldn’t say “This is too much” earlier. I realised I had totally lost the spark for handball. Once, I had loved playing. It was like the best thing for me in the world to do. So, I didn’t want to quit like this. That would feel unfair to the little me who loved handball so much.

My manager and I started searching, trying to find an easier environment. I decided to move to Sola HK in Norway. I went there secretly thinking it would be my last season and I wanted to enjoy it.

After a few weeks, I fell in love with handball so badly again that this competitive person in me came up again. I’m so thankful for that time because it really helped me see how handball can be fun even if you are playing on a high level. Handball is not only about pushing yourself and being the best — it’s also about enjoying with each other, having fun and having these unique experiences.

The first months were challenging. I was scared going to Norway but also thought I was healthy again. In the first months I realised that of course I was not healthy again. I’d been healthy for a person sitting at home and just doing stuff that you feel you can do. I came back to an environment where people expect something of you. That was the good part about starting in Norway. I had a really, really nice coach: Steffen Stegavik. It was so easy to speak with him so any moment I had a tough time, I could go to him and say I was not feeling so good or was low. I didn’t know anybody playing in the team so I really had the feeling I could just be me and they would get me to know me as me.

At Sola I could do what felt good and it also fit perfectly with what they expected of me. This was such an important lesson: learning that the right things will fit when you just be yourself and do what is best for you. I knew that if I wanted to go home and quit or whatever, I could just tell them. Of course I would also have been disappointed if that happened but they knew what kind of case they were taking in. I’m very thankful for how they got me back on my feet — maybe without even knowing it.

I had to decide before January if I wanted to stay at Sola or not. I told Steffen that I really loved playing there, but I could also feel that my dreams were coming back. I wanted to go for the highest possible.

I spoke to a few clubs and found one in France. I was getting ready to sign the paperwork when Györ called. At the first moment I thought somebody is messing with me. What did I prove for the last two years? I had not shown myself at that level. I took the conversation and it felt like an opportunity — that maybe everything had to happen the way it did for this to come.

What convinced me this was the right opportunity, even knowing such a big club might mean some pressure that would have been difficult for me to handle in the past, was the conversation with the coach Ulrik Kirkely. Often, when you talk to a club, they make you feel like you are the only one they are interested in. Ulrik was just very fair and straight with me, telling me the exact situation and asking if I could see myself in that role. I really appreciated his honesty.

I felt so deeply inside that I could do it. I wanted to prove it not to anyone else, but myself, because I knew it was inside me.

I’m a person who wants to regret stuff I did, not stuff I didn’t do. I decided I was going to try and give everything to do my best at this top, top-level club. I don’t regret it for a second, but I also have to admit that if the person before my burnout were standing here in the shoes I have now, I might not have been able to handle it. You’re playing with the best and the level is so high, but I am enjoying it so much and it’s so special to be here and have this environment.

There is a lot expected of us, but the only pressure I feel is to give my all. I know I have the level that if I give it all, I can do it. You have to work hard for it but it’s there.

You should know yourself as an athlete so good that you know when you’ve pushed yourself to the limit — and know that sometimes even that might not be good enough. I was disappointed that Györ didn’t want to extend my contract, but I knew I gave everything. It doesn’t take anything away from how I feel about the club and doesn’t say anything about me. I’ve learnt so much. I’m still learning and it’s such a great experience. And come on, when I’m 50, I can tell my kids I played at Györ! How many people can say that?

When I arrived at Györ, I had a reality check about my situation and some small doubts if I could actually do it, but they are so good at getting new girls into the team. From the second I stepped into the arena, from when I met everyone, the fear that I had coming here went away within three seconds.

Next, I will move to Rapid Bucuresti and I’m so excited. Now I see my handball career as an adventure, and I really love this feeling of getting out of my comfort zone. I’m so excited about getting to know a new culture, living in a big city, getting in a team with new girls. The atmosphere with the fans of Rapid is also something that is a rare experience. A lot of factors gave me the feeling that I wanted to do this.

I really just take decisions on belly feelings now. Someone can give me 10 reasons why they want to have me and why it’s good, but if my belly feeling says no, then it’s a no. With this, my belly feeling just said, yes, this is it.

I don’t want to be thought of as the girl who had the burnout. That doesn’t define me. Mental health is very important to me, but everyone has to find their own balance with that. Even being an athlete, there is no one way. It doesn’t matter what kind of character you have. You don’t have to be that tough person often described when talking about people who achieve a lot. You can be an emotional person who overthinks everything, or whatever fits you. The important thing is to find your strengths and weaknesses and learn how to use them to your benefit without crossing your boundaries.

Rinka Duijndam
March 2024